Slaglands

context

14 min read

Context

Teams

Japanese Culture Appreciation Society

The nation of Japan has a long and storied history, and has its people have developed a rich and interesting culture. The Japanese Culture Appreciation Society celebrates that storied culture… as view through the lens of mainstream anime.

The JCAS - or as it’s referred to by many other teams, the Jackasses - have declared that it is time to start their Tournament Arc. They’re extremely proud of the collection of highly modified JDM cars.

The cars are quite well engineered, but none of them are actually Japanese. Not that their drivers can tell the difference. They leap behind the wheels, brandishing their mall-ninja cutlery and blast off from the start line with a cry of ‘Nippon steel!’

The JCAS would be the laughing stock of the Slaglands circuit, nothing but a running joke, except for the fact that they are extremely competent drivers.

The Team:

LA Gunk

Just south of the muckflow that used to be the Meramec River the rowdy drivers of LA1 Gunk practice the lost art of mud runnin’.

They converge on the swampy morass by the dozens, competing to see who ‘haul ass’ the firstest or perfect the sickest trick without suffering the indignity of needing a tow back to solid land.

When the muckflow’s dry the drivers of LA Gunk turn their attention northward, entering into the local Gaslands competitions to get their adrenaline fix. With their unique type of hijinks, LA Gunk typically aims less for victory and more for entertainment. Their own, that is.

And the spectators eat it up.

The Team:

Metro Transit Co-op

The St. Louis area wastes have become far to dangerous for the average survivor. Between the acid pits, radiation storms, and auto gangs travel has become virtually impossible for small groups… let alone individuals.

Enter the Metro Transit Co-op. Built from the scavenged remains of St. Louis’ old mass transit systems, the MTC offers a simple solution: join up with a group of like-minded travelers and help defend the bus as it races across the wastelands.

The MTC is primarily bring-your-own-gun. Riders are welcome to arrive unarmed but will be required to rent a firearm at time of embarkment. For a modest fee, of course.

The Team:

Rebar Customs

Located off Rebar Road1, Rebar Customs is one of the Slaglands’ premiere automotive garages. Their builds may look kludged together but Rebar is known for premium builds at premium costs.

While their rides are solid, their weapons lean towards the unorthodox. Rebar can service your standard caliber firearms but they specialized in deployed munitions, either dropping from rear mounts or more terrifyingly using their patented FWOOMP launchers. It’s not uncommon to find prices on standard armaments are inflated just to ‘encourage’ their proprietary system’s usage.

John Scudder, one of Rebar’s lead engineers, heads their factory team himself. He and his fellow racers’ vehicles are constantly redesigned as various power plants and weapon systems are tested for reliability in high intensity conditions.

The Team:

StL JOCs

Jeep has always been a lifestyle brand. Even in the wastelands its aficionados will obsessively track down any abandoned wrecks to salvage for repair parts or - if they’re lucky enough to find one sufficiently intact - add a new vehicle to their fleet.

The “Jocks” as they’re called have all bought into the pre-war brand lifestyle. Each jeep is kept immaculately clean (by wasteland standards) and sports a row of rubber ducks (or facsimiles thereof) on their dashboard. If you know, you know.

Unfortunately late model Jeeps were never built as well as the line’s military roots would imply. Yet the Jocks would never consider driving them like anything other than battle tested all terrain combat vehicles. A Jeep doesn’t need armor. Its driver doesn’t need to worry about their safety — the Jeep is the toughest vehicle around!

That thought is firmly intrenched in each drivers’ mind as they inevitably drive their not-a-military-vehicle into collisions, often with explosive results.

The Jocks would like to remind you that, as the printed disclaimer on their pamphlet clearly states, the St. Louis Jeep Owners’ Club is certifiably Not A Cult.

The Team:

Unaffiliated

Volunteer Highway Patrol

Most drivers join the Volunteer Highway Patrol for one of two reasons — either they want to keep the people of the greater St. Louis area safer, or they weren’t accepted by any other team and want a chance to take their anger out on the teams they were rejected from.

Primarily the latter.

The VHP have earned the moniker as the ‘fun police’ among their fellow teams for their penchant to show up and try and shut down anyone who - in their mind - gets out of hand. They’ve eared a small but devoted fan base… of bullies and other fans of intimidation and oppression.

The Team:

Combatants

Arfling

It took months for John Tanaka, one of Rebar’s chief engineers, to put together a prototype that could get close to Pepe Coney’s vision. Dubbed the G-Diffusion system, the network of ailerons an maneuverability jets would spin the car unexpectedly and propel it in short powerful bursts until gravity eventually reasserted itself.

Getting the vehicle, dubbed the Arfling, into the air was more difficult. John and Pepe settled on a more mundane approach — drive the vehicle as hard and as fast as possible until the inevitable loss of control sent it airborne, then trigger the G-Diffusion system and let her soar.

It was reckless. It was dangerous. And it was expensive. Too expensive.

Pepe agreed to drive the Arfling as a member of Rebar Customs’ racing team and direct most of his share of any winnings to cover the cost of the build.

The G-Diffusion system has won more than one Death Race at this point, but Pepe still has a long way to go to cover his debt. He doesn’t mind, though. Not as long as he gets to do a barrel roll.

Big Red

The first place John Scudder’s creations are battle tested are on his own Big Red. From the FWOOMP launcher system to the newer radio controlled bomb cars, John firmly believes the best way to judge a weapon design is by the explosion it causes when it hits its mark.

Bully

In an organization like StL JOCs, being the Sergeant-at-Arms means running the whole show. That means Jacques ‘the Jock’ Peter’son calls the shots.

Jacques and the Bully are a menace. The withering gunfire it puts down range is just a preamble to the fender-to-fender reckoning that this beefy boy brings to the badlands.

Camino Rey

Vehicle profile unavailable.

Erikenstein (PH)

Vehicle profile unavailable.

Felina

There’s not much to say about the Felina. The Pontiac Aztek has never nor will it ever be an iconic roadster.

But while it may not be a 1977 Cadillac DeVille, even the homely Aztek can be improved with a trunk-based turret-mounted M60.

Ford Sierra Cosworth (PH)

Vehicle profile unavailable.

Kingfisher

A self-avowed naturalist, Dr. Sylvester Grindstone operates a small nature reserve and garden in the southern reaches of the Slaglands. It’s a noble effort, but one constantly hindered both by the terrible environments left behind after the Martian war and the rarity of tools and materials necessary to maintain pre-war flora and fauna.

Though a pacifist by nature, Dr. Grindstone knew there was only one profession where it was possible to secure the funds to continue his passion project - the Slaglands death races.

Dr. Grindstone has a particular fondness for birds, and it was one species in particular inspired his vehicle choice. Eschewing any high caliber weaponry for a harpoon, the Kingfisher draws in its targets to be crushed beneath its weighty wheels.

The hope is that a crushed engine block would put an opponent out of the race non-lethally. But if he did happen to drive over a vehicle cabin and crush it’s occupants, then resulting wreckage would likely hide the bodies of those crushed inside from the doctor’s conscious.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Limelight

The high-tech Limelight is as performant as it is controversial. The glowing power pack over the engine compartment has raised a number of questions about just what’s under the hood and how safe it actually is.

Driver Mia Biscotti deflects such questions with the usual answers: “Italian engineering” to the former and “What’s ‘safe’ about a death race?” to the latter.

Technically correct. The best kind of correct.

MFP Biggalo

Some people are born to drive. Addicted to the smells of fuel and burnt rubber. Able to guide metal behemoths in a ballet of speed and destruction. A true road warrior.

Others grow up obsessing over cult movies to the point they’ve convinced themselves that they’ll be the one to finally tame the SLAGLands highways.

They’d trade their dream of the legendary V8 Interceptor for the reality of an affordable aftermarket panel van. They’d splurge on their quintessential paint job and then run out of budget and only afford half a lift kit.

MFP Biggalo is convinced he’s going to bring civility to the wastelands one street at a time.

He’ll be lucky to survive his first death race.

Matador

Dustin Debris is at odds with his team. Eschewing the typical junk-launchers and deployed munitions Rebar Customs favors, Dustin insists on arming his car with traditional high caliber weaponry to provide much needed long-range cover for his teammates. The only reason John Scudder hasn’t ‘upgraded’ the Matador behind Dustin’s back is that Dustin has proved his point in multiple events now.

Though he generally keeps his distance, Dustin is a reckless driver. He pushes the Matador to its limits and isn’t afraid to risk is own car in taking big swings. This high risk driving style does come at a cost… reflected in the car’s repair bills.

Dustin’s even managed to shatter an axle lately, necessitating a last-minute call to Limelight to sub in during one of Rebar’s recent events.

For Dustin’s sake, he better make sure his performance continues to justify his excessive repair bills.

Maxi Taxi

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McFlyboy

Very little needs to be said about Prof Auburn’s modified DeLorean. Mostly because very little is known about it.

Cars aren’t supposed to fly, yet somehow this contraption manages to cruise above its competition in the wastelands leaving trails of flame in its wake.

Flux capacitor? Mr. Fusion? 1.21 Gigawatts?

Meaningless technobabble, or the keys to his vehicle’s flight?

Prowler

  • Photo: “prowler.jpg”
  • Driver: Temple Valencia
  • Teams: Unaffiliated

A number of motor gangs have laid claim to various locals and stretches of highway, charging tolls or outright barring access for their own amusement and/or profit.

Temple “Orange Crush” Valencia’s Prowler has earned itself a reputation as a blockade runner, slipping patrols and avoiding roadblocks with an uncanny ability. Its front mounted machine guns are often used to fire warning shots, scattering unprepared road warriors as the Prowler darts from cover. Deployed smoke bombs cover Prowler’s escape as it either hides from or outpaces any pursers.

Despite repeated recruitment efforts, Temple has yet to sign on with any of the sanctioned Slaglands racing teams. The working assumption is that the money not yet good enough, but some rumors tie Prowler to the anti-Mars resistance.

But of course, as the Gaslands-sponsored PR representatives will tell you, there’s no such thing as the Resistance. Gaslands has nothing to hide. Mars is most certainly not a lie.

Sandstorm

A version of Tomek’s original Porsche 928 ‘Surfari’ rebuilt for the combat arena of Slaglands, Sandstorm upgrades the rally car into a all terrain vehicular weapon.

Corralling a jet engine with a rally-tuned suspension, Sandstorm handles like wild animal. Which is exactly LA Gunk’s style.

Super Volt (PH)

Vehicle profile unavailable.

Travis Utah

Travis Utah is a legend. Travis Utah is a myth. Travis Utah is a ghost. A driver. A mystery. A stuntman. A hero. A savior. His stoic silence is both calming and exhilarating.

If there’s a bike that needs driving, Travis will be there.

If there’s a dare to be made, Travis will take it.

If there’s a jump that needs jumping, Travis will… attempt it.

We are all Travis Utah.

Unnamed Bus (PH)

Vehicle profile unavailable.

Unnamed Limo (PH)

Vehicle profile unavailable.

Viceroy

Oozing style like a white suit over penny loafers, Crocket Tubbs’s first, last, and only concern is cool.

A high tech gun that is unreliable at best. A slick white paint job that requires hours of maintenance to keep it looking clean. Tubbs shows up “dressed” to impressed.

Once in a while he actually does.

Viper Defender

When the Metro City Police Department shuttered the woefully over-budget Viper Project, team engineer Julian Wilkes and driver Joe Astor were left without a job. Rather than seeing their pride and joy rust in storage, the duo stole the Viper Defender and fled, eventually settling down somewhere in the greater St. Louis area.

From there they decided to consider their crusade against crime. Or more specifically, vehicular crime. Identifying the ridiculously dangerous death races of the Slaglands series as the biggest offenders, Astor and Wilkes helped found the Volunteer Highway Patrol in an attempt to curb the event’s effect on civilians and infrastructure.

Footnotes

  1. “Lower Arnold” for the uninitiated ↩ ↩2

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